I learned the unfortunate news that both my gmail and facebook accounts had been hacked on Wednesday. Like any small minded American my instant reaction was that of fear, anger and a general dislike for whatever asshole thought he could do this. My second reaction however was that of “How can I fuck with my friends”.
My point is, hacking happens, at one point or the other your digital information will be accessed by an unknown person and you’ll probably freak the fuck out. But why? I ask. Sure, after you’re done changing all of your bank account passwords etc. you’ll feel a little better but why not have some fun in the process?!!! Let’s go over the top 5 ways to fuck with your friends to make yourself feel better that all those pictures from the party last Thursday night are now in the hands of a stranger.
5) Silly, silly, silly
Don’t let the name fool you, the “Silly, silly, silly” method is tried, true and a hell of a lot of fun. My first interaction with this sort of friendly “Oh NO!” occurred when I THOUGHT I had lost my iPhone for the first time. (It was in my shoe [NOT KIDDING]). Immediately after finding my seemingly lost electronic device I proceeded to hack my own facebook account (If you catch my drift). But what to do first…. I know! I simply changed my profile picture to that of Betty White with a lovely comment stating “Haha, take that!”. To me it was hilarious; to my digital friends it was outrage.
I was actually quite overcome with the amount of e-mails, phone calls, and general concern expressed by all who read my post. I actually received three voicemails that went something like this “Hey, who the fuck is this? You’re a fucking asshole!” Granted I believe two of those were a result of the copious amounts of alcohol I had consumed the night before and therefore quite probably deserved. But what the hell, one person cared, and so it was funny.
4) The Old “There’s a Snake in my Boots” Routine
This one is a little crueler but if you (like everyone else in the world) has just one middle-aged American friend on facebook will send people into a cyber uproar comparable with the Pompeii eruption. Simple really, after noticing your account has been hacked you’re going to be a little pissed off right? Furthermore if you’re a decent human being you wont want this to happen to anyone else, especially your friends! So, naturally and without hesitation you make a post of your own “My gmail & facebook accounts were hacked, if you get an e-mail, facebook message, anything from me DELETE it, DO NOT OPEN!”.
Oh ho ho, you may as well have texted the four horsemen, given them the name of every man, women and child you associate with (Hey, stop associating with children) and map out their addresses on google. Suddenly and without warning, people will start freaking out, “Oh no, how did this happen?” (Like I fucking know?) “This happened to a friend of mine! They figured out where his kids went to school! Scary stuff.” Or the lovely “What a jerk.”
Honestly, you can’t really blame them. In a world filled with newscasters regurgitating the same old “Terrorist WILL kill you, oh, and they can do it with a COMPUTER” the "common" man going all "rain" man over a hacked account seems almost natural. That’s what makes it so funny.
3) The Random Correspondence
So, you’ve made it aware that you’ve been hacked (not into pieces hopefully or the FBI will be down my throat again). Now it’s time to REALLY play on the fears of your fellow cyber goers. How do we accomplish this? Simple. Start sending e-mails, messages, or even better go on about your life and post as normal. My crack team of Russian scientists has yet to explain this phenomenon but we gave it a kick ass name! “Normalityagiasis” Nor - mal - ity – a – Jy – a – sis.
For some reason once your friends and loved ones (haha, yeah right) learn of your cyber loss they’ll go through a sort of paranoia only known to the internet. Suddenly all of their thoughts will be clouded by a veil of suspicion. And normal is exactly what they DON’T WANT. So you, just going about your business, all calm and shit will send them into a frenzy. I suggest sitting back, grabbing a beer and watching the spectacle that is human stupidity.
2) The Assurance
This may seem obvious but it is very important and must not be skipped if one strives to achieve true “I made my friend almost kill himself, over facebook” status. Assurance is what every human being strives for. We all like to know that everything is going to be okay and we like it even more after knowing something bad happened. So why are you denying them this intoxicating combination of brain fluids? Go on, let them know.
I think you know what has to happen but in case you don’t or you’re a Wookie I’ll explain. Send a post, message and e-mail to all of your friends letting them know you’ve spoken with google/facebook (whatever) and that everything is back to normal. Be sure to include a line similar to “Whoo, I AM SO GLAD THAT IS OVER!!!1111” or you may not get the full effect. This will, without fail fix everything (Momentarily). There’s just one thing left to do…
1) The Repeat Offender
By this time everything should be all hunky dory in cyberspace (With the exception of that file you’re downloading, HORSES? WHY?) But that just means it’s time to shake things up. This is my favorite because it’s simple and just backs up all the fears you instilled using methods 5-2. IT HAPPENS AGAIN! Simply post something similar to “WHAT THE FUCK IT HAPPENED AGAIN! I’M SICK OF THESE DAMN HACKERS” At this time I’d disconnect your phone, backup your hard drive and watch the modern world as you know it crumble in flames before your eyes. Good job you prince among men, you noble knights of selfish comedy, you……. Asshole.
Oh, and Don’t Panic
The Xbox version of Final Fantasy XVI has failed to enter the platform's top 20 paid games list, indicating weak launch sales performance.
Day One Release vs One year later release with zero marketing to build excitement/hype.
Both Xbox and SE should know better.
Also fewer than half the consoles sold compared to the PS5 so much smaller customer base.
If it ain't on gamepass, they ain't interested.
Great job MS for training most of your player base to not want to actually buy games, maybe SE will realise releasing FF on xbox isn't somehow going to help them match their exaggerated sales targets. Hopefully remake fairs better, probably will on Switch 2 at least.
No game, especially a AAA one, deserves strong sales after taking years to arrive on a platform and still asking the same price as everywhere else. You can’t just ignore a platform for that long and then expect people to be excited by the release. That cycle came and went already, there is no hype for it anymore.
Either you're all in from the start or you're not. This lazy, bare-minimum approach of tossing out a late port and calling it a day shouldn't be rewarded. If you're not willing to respect the platform, don't bother showing up at all.
But the formerly exclusive Xbox games like Forza Horizon enjoyed great sales on PS even after years past their initial release.
Your references to deserving and "shouldn't be rewarded" implies that gamers are buying games based on some moral platitude that simply doesn't exist in practice.
Gamers buy games because they want to play them.
Nah, it implies how it should be. If gamers weren't the dumbass consumer class around, being played like freaking dumbass because they can't get over the hype for a freaking second and think if that purchase even make sense.
This is EXACTLY why they wouldn't and shouldn't bother im the first place. I can't remember which FF game launched on Xbox with the Switch and Playstation version and ONLY did 4% sales on Xbox. So lets not pretend these sales would have been better because if you believe that you are absolutely delusional
"Either you're all in from the start or you're not. This lazy, bare-minimum approach of tossing out a late port and calling it a day shouldn't be rewarded. If you're not willing to respect the platform, don't bother showing up at all."
Weird. How come you don't say the same about Xbox studio games that show up some YEARS/DECADES later as well?
Sea of Thieves
Grounded
Forza Horizon 5
Pentiment
Hi Fi Rush
Gears of War
Mostly at full price and selling well. Oh right doesn't fit your BS narrative
Survival Kids tries and fails to rekindle an old Konami franchise by bringing it to the Switch 2, but ends up leaving it stranded and to fend for its own.
Fast Fusion delivers frenetic, futuristic racing at a budget-friendly price.
LMAO. Awesome....
But nice read...too lazy to read it tho.
Wow, well thanks I suppose, glad you liked what you did read. Never pick up a newspaper it will just disappoint you.